Repairing Trust after an Affair by Chuck Holton

Repairing Trust after an Affair

Review by Charles Holton, LCSW

1) The affairing partner acknowledges without excuses they have betrayed a trust and wounded the relationship.

2) The affairing partner renews vows of fidelity and honesty.

3) The affairing partner proposes a plan to rebuild trust including how they will behave differently when the conditions that prompted the affair return. For example, “If we can’t talk to each other without fighting, haven’t had sex in months, and there seems to be no hope, I will divorce you rather than stay in the marriage and affair again.” Or, “If we’re really angry for days on end and there is no touch, I will directly address this with you rather than seek intimacy from someone outside the marriage.” The plan also typically includes sensitivity to the heightened need for reassurance in the affaired-on partner, for example, being particularly careful to avoid suspicious circumstances and to be scrupulous about announcing whereabouts for some period of time. (This typically lasts longer than the affairing partner thinks it should, because it becomes tiresome, but trust takes a long time to rebuild. It’s part of the cost of the affair, and helps inhibit relapse.)

4) The responsibility of the affaired-on partner is to pay attention to the changes in the affairing partner and to notice that honesty and accountability gradually rebuild trust. This takes a long time, and it should, since the sensing of another’s reliability over the long term is exactly what trust is. Do not mistake the heightened intensity of post-affair honeymoon for rebuilt trust, nor intense anger at betrayal for evidence there is no hope.

5) Both partners need to examine closely the conditions that prompted the affair and identify patterns of interaction that damage the marriage or wound each other. Behavior change requests should be clear and direct, and each partner should work at hearing the other’s position without judging (“there’s no such thing as an unreasonable need”). Decisions to change one’s behavior in response to a partner’s request should be balanced and not based only on guilt, anger, or desperation to save the marriage. Changes that will work will be changes that both partners can work with over the long run.

6) Typically, the affaired-on partner will want to focus on (1) through (3), while the affairing partner will want to focus on (4) and (5). It is essential that all five aspects be addressed thoroughly so that the damage to the marriage can be mended, and that the underlying patterns that inspired the affair can be addressed. Avoiding any of this work is a set-up for repeating the pattern or holding unspoken bitterness, toxic to any relationship.